I made a promise to myself awhile back that no matter how difficult life gets, to not let a few negative experiences change the condition of who I am as a person.
The moment I empathize with someone, I give myself fully. I become hyper sensitive to their well being over my own. I extend this beyond the surface of friendships. I sign away a blank check of everything I physically, mentally, and emotionally own and give myself away whole heartedly. I understand that this may disservice me, as there are always a few people who will take this for granted…but I’ve rationalized that the people who don’t are worth the few painful experiences.
This week has been especially challenging, and I’ve began to question the way I approach friendships and relationships. I don’t want to live a guarded life with walls up, choose to put out a hard exterior in stake of pride or protection of my psyche. But I’m beginning to question this, re-evaluate if what I’m doing is wrong. Is this even worth it? Why do I choose to spend the limited time I have trying re-arrange the pieces of someone else’s broken self-esteem? We choose to be unhappy. We are not victims of the situations we put ourselves in. Every decision we make is a conscious one. Every truth and lie exposed is done with intention. Every backward step and promise broken is perpetrated by your own desire, and not to be blamed on anyone else. And the truth always, always prevails.
On a personal note, it has taken me 10 months to emotionally recover from my last relationship. If there’s one thing I walked away from almost a year of uncertainties, it’s this. Happiness can only be found from within. You can’t pursue it in the form of people. You can’t use money, status, drugs, short flings or bad relationships as a shortcut.
I’ve also come to terms with this: I can’t pursue any type of relationship half-baked. I can’t pursue anything in life half-baked. I can’t accept half for what I give in full. Even if that limits the amount of people I can be around…
As I’m trying to re-evaluate the past six months of friendships and flings, this is my first attempt at applying meaning on what feels like a few months of reckless abandon. If any of you have advice I would love to hear it.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”